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hi. i’m back, hopefully only temporarily. i just wanted to let you guys know how i’m doing.
recovery has been… interesting. i wouldn’t say i’m recovered, not in the slightest, but i am better. i deleted all of my calorie counting apps but i still weigh myself every now and then. last time i weighed was last week, at 116 lbs. still 5’8. which means i’m still losing weight, despite all my fears that i’d gain 20 lbs as soon as i stopped restricting. i still feel guilty after i eat, i still take body checks sometimes, and i still grab my collarbones and pinch my fat when i get anxious, but i’m better. i’m willing to eat more. i’m okay when i feel bloated - it doesn’t ruin my entire week.
the issue is that i feel… empty without my eating disorder. when i’m not counting calories and sneaking into my parents’ bathroom to weigh myself, life just feels meaningless. and i hate that starving myself became such a huge coping mechanism that without it, i feel more depressed than i did with it. i’m only recovering for my family & friends, honestly. they started to get worried about me, and i hated the feeling that gave me, so i started recovering. or as close as i could get to recovering. it’s been.. 2 months?? i think? since i logged out of this blog and deleted my calorie apps and i haven’t really had a moment when i wanted to relapse until right now. i just… i don’t know. i ate half a pint of ben & jerry’s and something just snapped inside of me. i didn’t break down, really, i just can’t stop thinking about it. how incredible it felt to be empty and lightheaded all the time. being full is nice too, but when i was hungry i felt like i was doing something. like i was making progress.
anyways, sorry for the long post. i might come back, i might not. i’m hoping i can stay strong and keep recovering, but… i don’t know. i’m just scared. recovery is scary but so is starving. i just wish i had never developed this stupid disorder.
i love you all, and i hope you all stay safe and strong. good luck on your journeys.